A ROAD TRIP CONVERSATION*

Our factory manager and I were headed towards Istanbul as we have been doing for the last three months after the work hour every weekday. It sometimes helped us to understand each other better as we both endured to travel so much; however, we were frequently worn out as well. I was in my mid 20s, and he was half way through his fifties. He was almost thirty years older than me, yet we always found something to talk about thanks to the fact that we had graduated from the same university, which allowed us to find the least common denominator and move from there. Much as the factory manager liked chattering a lot, I intervened now and then to take turns in talking.

I haven’t talked to my dad in my whole life as much as I talked to this man whose existence I wasn’t aware of until three months ago. I am not sure if this weird situation stems from my father or me. He is a good person for sure. He is not a very talkative person, yet he would have a conversation with anybody who approaches him. He also takes great care to not to show his love towards his children as every father does. Sometimes I try to get closer to him and I feel that he will take a step forward as well. However, it never happens somehow. I look at our family photos, and I always stand by my mother’s side. It meant more than the cliché “Boys like their mothers more, whereas girls are keen on their fathers”.

I occasionally look at the photo my sister took. Me, my mother, and father stood by close to pose. In the photo, while I hugged my mother so tight, there was a huge distance between my father and me. I sometimes look at the photo that my mother took of my sister and me sitting on the each side of my father. I still remember my mother telling our father that, “Hug your children!” as if it happened only yesterday although it has been years since that photo was taken. My father throws his one arm over my shoulder and the other one onto my sister’s. I find this situation so strange that I slightly lean forward and crouch down. Whereas I fold my hands on my legs and look as if I like to leave as soon as the picture is taken, my sister poses giving my father a bear hug. I also remember the aftermath of that moment. I immediately stand up.

I would have so much wanted to have the same amount of conversation that we had with the factory manager in that evening with my dad and pour my heart out.

The factory manager was steering the ship again. He was smoking a cigarette and driving the car so slow as if to get on my nerves.  On the other hand, he was telling me all he needed to say passionately so that I wouldn’t interrupt him. He had so many things that he had gone through over the years and he needed to speak out. He had a lonely and asocial lifestyle. He was telling me anecdotes from the hard times in his life.

“All the efforts are valid till you put signature to marriage license. After that time, you somehow get used to an ordinary life. Look at my paunch! I used to be so handsome before I got married to my ex wife. Don’t think that I am exaggerating as I had the third place in the bodybuilding contest in the Istanbul district. Let alone having any paunch, you could even squeeze my stomach muscles one by one with your hands as well as my chest and arms. Why a person get married to someone with whom you don’t feel comfortable? You spend a life together with this person and you are told to keep away from this meal and that drink.  Not working my foot. If I feel at ease eating and drinking like that, I will live as I like then. I didn’t swole up because she wanted me to. I wouldn’t have lost weight at the time of our divorce just because she wanted me to.”

He was talking so fast and blowing hot and cold about so many things. I happened to intervene and talk about how I feel when he drew on his cigarette at times; however, I couldn’t succeed in no way.

“When I was engaged to her, I used to visit her every evening. I would hit the road from Bakirkoy to Selimpasa, which was a long way. I couldn’t possibly afford to have a car at that time, so we used to hop on a bus. We travelled in crowded buses, and we had to tolerate the jammed traffic. The road to her house was narrower even than molehills. I used to stay for a few hours there and then handle the long distance bus travel once more. When I missed the last bus, I would sometimes hitchhike. When I came home in the middle of the night, my dad used to look at me pityingly and tell that, “Why do you torment yourself so much? You will marry her some day soon anyway; you will get to see her for the rest of your life. Why do you wear each other down?”

Although my dad didn’t like me to marry her, he couldn’t resist my insistence and in the end he asked for the girl’s hand for me.  Do you know the reason why he didn’t approve of her? In his words, “How come a girl goes out every night? Could she be of good manners?” We really used to go out every night before we got engaged. She used to tell a lie to her parents every evening and meet me. As I told you my father said that nothing good would come out of this girl. However, when I insisted to marry her and threatened my dad to leave home, he had to be convinced to ask for the girl’s hand for me. I am still amazed at myself for being so insistent and firm towards my dad. He was the one who was against my side when I got divorced from my wife. He told me that, “ What happened? Didn’t you love her very much?” He sometimes used sarcasm, too.

Just for the sake of our children we stayed together for a little while, yet in the end we got divorced. Love, this and that are all unlikely stories. After a point, all of these things are routinized. You get married; first few years cover the honeymoon period. After some time, you start to get bored with each other. You no longer like to see each other. Let me tell you this, after a point, you reach to the dominance struggle phase of your relationship. Everybody tries to supress each other. When she asked for something from me, I used to delay it, as I knew that she would ask for more and more. I used to throw her a bone now and then as well. However, as I said it was only in rare occasions. Throughout our marriage I have done few things for the sake of her just because she asked me to.

Actually my dad was right when he said that it was of no use to exhaust each other. You don’t desire to be together as much when you got married. After a time when sexual urges are supressed, marriage loses its charm. Whatever she does, it is okay as long as she stays away from me. She often asked me that, “Our relationship is not like before. We used to do a lot of things together, hang around and go to the concerts in the past. Why are you behaving like that now?” What he called the past was before we got married. Actually when that signature is put to the marriage certificate, everything is over. For some people routinizing starts with that signature, and for the others it starts after a year or two. There certainly is a time for losing that excitement. Maybe it is normal. You don’t wear same clothes all the time. As it is in the saying, you don’t eat the same meals or one lamb is not enough for a wolf.

When he was talking, I had so many things on my mind. Indeed, I had an answer to each sentence and argument he said. Every time I tried to cut in on the conversation, I realized that it was of no use; thus, I waited for him to become exhausted out of talking. He was quiet all of a sudden when I started taking of lamb and wolf idioms. Maybe after the things he told me, his memories with his wife came before his eyes. I understood after a few seconds of silence that it was my turn to speak up. I cleared my throat. I came on the stage.

“Since love is one of a kind thing for everybody, I really felt in that way as well. When I was experiencing it, I never thought that it would end. There wasn’t such a possibility for me, and I was living in accord with it anyway. You said that you used to visit her all the time and that you didn’t find it necessary after you got married. After work I used to drive really fast and leave the car somewhere close to my house. In a rush I would catch the bus to get to the ferry dock and from there I would hope on another bus going towards my darling. When you borrow a car from somebody, you tend to be meticulous so that no damage is done to it. Normally, I would think in the same way, but it was different this time. I had the rare luxury of having a car park of our flat in Istanbul. However, I didn’t drive the car to the car park. Instead, I would park it close to a bus stop which is the closest in that direction so that I come together with my darling’s side asap. I wouldn’t care if something had happened to the car for my cause anyway as it would be worth it. I would have to get up early to walk from my house to the place where I parked the car, yet so what? If I could see my darling more, it would be enough for me.”

He was about to cut in on my conversation, but I was quick to continue on narrating. Probably he understood my intention, as he didn’t attempt to interrupt me until I told him all the things that I kept as a burden all those time. He only smoked a lot; opened the window; and caused me to talk more loudly because of the noise coming from outside. However, I liked the atmosphere and I spoke more boomingly and continued my genuine story with more depth.

“Since I came a long way to meet her, my darling used to be delighted. She used to hug my neck. I was realizing how good a feeling it was to have a sense of smell thanks to her. Hugging her, feeling her body’s temperature within my own body and inhaling her scent through my lungs made me understand that living; and living with her was such a special feeling. Maybe she didn’t have a bath for a few days or she couldn’t find the time yet to take a shower at the end of a tiring day. However, I haven’t felt for a single day that she smelled unpleasant. She smelled so like my dear lover, and I went to her side after work every day to smell her scent.

When I got back home in the middle of the night, I would realize how much I missed her already and I couldn’t stop the tears from running down my cheeks. These were silent tears. When I was walking along Goztepe Minibus Street towards my house, the witnesses of my love flowed down my eyes at each step I took. My tired body wouldn’t want to go home. I wouldn’t like my housemates to see me in this state. Thus, I would go and sit aside to sob and think why I couldn’t sleep beside her. When I got back home, I would call my darling and say how much I missed her already. I would hug a T-shirt, which still had her scent on it, or I would go to sleep looking at a picture of us together. When I woke up in the morning, the longing for the scent of my lover would surround me. I would smell her belongings, which still had her scent.  Maybe it was a different dimension of the idea that Ahmet Umit mentions in his book, “Love is fawning on somebody.” To tell you the truth, I used to search for her scent like a dog everywhere. I would go to my car after a soft touch on her photograph. When I was walking towards my car, I would become happy a little. I had parked the car in a faraway place last evening in order to see my lover. Although I felt tired physically, I knew that I would be on the roads for her that evening as well.”

My eyes were filled with tears a little, and I gulped. I don’t think that he was looking at me, but somehow I felt that he was affected by what I had been recounting. Otherwise, he could have interrupted me and talked about something irrelevant. My narration wasn’t finished yet.

“I am sometimes too lazy to do something I like or to go and get something at that instance. ıt is like you are desperate for a toilet, yet you want to keep your bed warm and do not get out of the bed. At least, I generally do not want to bother myself. However, if she asked something from me, I wouldn’t care about fatigue or anything else, and I would do whatever she desired at all costs. Whereas I was too lazy to do things that would raise my spirits, I would do everything to make my darling happy. I knew that it would actually made my day if my darling looked at me with smiling eyes; smiled at me; touched me with love, and loved me.

I never limited her to do whatever she wanted to do. After all, who was I? Was I in a position to limit her? She was a free human being. She used to only inform me, and I would thank her for it. Maybe she secretly wished for hearing from me possessive sentences in the imperative mood like, “No, you can’t go! We will spend this evening together. Sit tight!” However, I wouldn’t do that. I would keep my tongue from evil towards her. I couldn’t do anything that would break her heart. On the contrary, I would encourage her to meet her friends, hang around and have fun.  After all, we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. Her friends were here today and would be gone tomorrow.  Yet, I would eat my heart out. I couldn’t stand her absence.  I would cling on to my phone and wait for her to call me. I would answer get excited every time I get a phone call, and grieve if I couldn’t see her name on the incoming call. She never knew it, but I didn’t ever like her to leave me even for a second. I would have liked her to be my side all the time, yet I couldn’t’ tell it to her. You said that everybody gets bored in time and that there is a certain time for it. I don’t know if you experienced similar feelings, but my love for her was never going to end. I wasn’t at loggerheads with her. I wasn’t trying to be dominant over her, too. Whenever she asked for something from me, I would return to her tenfold.”

I kept quiet. I looked at him on the sly. He slightly laughed up his sleeve. In this instance, I understood what he was going to ask me.

“Then, why are you lonely now? Where is the girl you are so much in love with?”





*Originally translated from "Bir Yol Hikayesi" by Fatma Şeyma Koç.